i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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