the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
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Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
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Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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