My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
