The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize