I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
