just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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