Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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