sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
