I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
