Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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