bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
