The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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