I wish my penis had an off switch
kristin has been a bad kristin
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
