he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
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I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
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Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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