new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
