You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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