What a fucking waste of an outfit
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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