you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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