His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
