My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
