You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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