we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
