The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
