i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
