Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
