brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
