There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
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I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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