i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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