Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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