Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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