Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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