I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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