Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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