I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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