I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
