On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Randomize
