i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
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Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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