The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
