Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
