You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
