Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
