I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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