i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
