I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
