mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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