I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
