Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
