At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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