Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.