Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
