Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
