when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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