Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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