i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
