So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
