There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
